Klyons

That little screw up WILL get the best of you..and your kids!

When I started dating my husband, his ex wife was so so nice. We were to be a blended family, at least that was our mutual goal.

Keep in mind, my husband’s ex wife is so beautiful, however he hated her, but I never understand why he wanted he hated her and wanted me and not her. She was perfect. The hair,eyelashes and body. The had both their blood to live for! Without knowing it or able to identify it, I was jealous.

Of course she loved her babies,the same kids I fell in love with and do anything for. Everything between those kids and I was instantaneous! We had so much in common from the beginning..accept insecurities on my part.

Going back on the timeline of events, it’s a year on our encounters. I really don’t know what lead up to the disgruntled conversations and fights…probably jealousy and control on my part.

Going back, I thought everything was justified. I told her how I felt. I told her that I felt she was immature and how unfair it was that she took my fiance at the time for full child support because she made the decision to stop working. I struggled hard to take no child support on 6 kids.

She isn’t me and I am not her. While her choices have hurt me and our future,I respect it. To me that takes a lot of maturity.

I can’t stand conflict. I always hit it head on. From my experiences,it’s better to hit it head on than feel the gut wrenching pain of stress and not know what’s coming next.

Even though I still do it..every fucking day.

With that said, Nothing was justified. It wasn’t okay to verbally beat her up on her life choice that i felt wasn’t fair to our kids.

I realized tonight,after speaking with my ex husbands finace in conversations of our children combined,I made a mistake. I would never want someone to speak to me like I have spoken to my husband’s ex.

I always want to know where I fucked up and if you’re reading this,I hope you do too.

Coparenting isn’t for the weak.

I fucked up. I would never entertained someone disrespecting me in regards to my children the way I have placed judgement. With that said, stay tuned. I will start writing more often because this is therapy and I need fucking therapy. I’m just trying to be the best I can be for our kids

I hope my screw ups help someone some day.

To being raw..cheers!

Surviving

From July of 2004 to July 5, 2019 is where my story is. Because it’s so long and so much to cover, I’m going to take many blogs to tell you everything and I pray I may be some type of light to your situation.

I am willing to come out and speak or every flaw and mistake I have ever made. I am also willing to come out and speak of all the physical and emotional abuse. As uncomfortable as it is and the criticism I may receive, I truly pray someone can find some strength in what I went through and where it has brought me.

I have never been a person to self sympathize and, to be honest, it is extremely difficult to speak of the past. It is embarrassing that I allowed this type of lifestyle for my kids. Quite frankly, I am paying for it now. I am embarrassed of all the things I have done wrong. I wish I was a better woman for my son at the time.

Because this is so hard and I don’t know where to start, please be patient on my next blog. I want to make sure that I am strong enough to touch on the memories and I am also trying to heal.

I thought I was healed and everything was okay, until recently. I didn’t realize why picking the bacon out the grocery store still gets me nervous. I didn’t know why I felt scared when I left ,while my (new)husband was sleeping for working night shift, to bring the kids play somewhere and didn’t leave a note and possibly missed a call.

I feel we get comfortable and the things we ignored or tried not to think about, comes back to haunt us so hard. I have been working at becoming more spiritual and knowledgeable in the theology of Christianity. I realized there are some things I need to work on and change and it starts with healing. Hence, thus series of blogs.

This isn’t easy and to be quite honest, I am working on something and broadcasting it at the same time. I truly hope you are ready to embark on this journey with me if you are struggling the same or need courage to do so.

We will start this healing process together.

Just trying to be the best..

Today was a long day. There was an emergency call over the radio. It puts a pause on things. It feels as though life comes to a pause. You don’t know what to do or how to back them up but you want to. You need to.

You see I am not even a real cop yet. I’m only Cat 3 and work in the jail..But I’m trying my best to learn. I feel my heart is there. Actually, I know it is. I just have to overcome the obstacles at hand.

We are raising 8 kids, my husband and I. To say the least it is so freaking hard! We have dance, speech and debate, soccer and t ball to add into the schedule of working in law enforcement and an awkward hours of welding. How do we juggle our schedule, work schedules and our sanity from our work and have a steady home and life…?

This is my first blog in 10 years. I crave the raw and beauty in people and I can only give that in return. I want to give that because, personally, that’s my therapy.

Tonight, I got home, still concerned that my brothers and sisters are laying down tonight going over every detail and wondering, “have I could have done my job better?”

I can’t wait to be apart of protecting our community. I pray for them and can’t wait to do the jobs they do. They came home so late to tuck their babies into bed…to be there when their youngest is having bad dreams and just needs to cuddle…

For our community and our 8’s safety in life. I look forward to doing what it takes.

No matter what place my life is thus far, I will always be the best Mom I can and my job is to only help in the effort to create a safe community for our kids and protect our own.

I’m just thankful to cuddle our babies tonight and acknowledge that anything can change that at any moment.